With Downton Abbey’s third series now having reached its finale, the inclination is, obviously, to anticipate where the show may go from here.

> Buy Series 3 on DVD on Amazon.

For the seasoned Downton viewer, the temptation is to treat the storylines like an exercise in join-the-dots, piecing together a line of dialogue here, a passing incident there to imagine a whole future history for these characters. But Downton does not work like this.

It presents itself as a saga, with all the incestuous narrative complications which that suggests, but, in practice, isn’t prepared to linger around for more than a series of breathless cameos. If you’re part of the Downton Twitterarmy, divulging your cosplay desires in 140 characters or fewer, this causes weekly frustration. But frankly, you’re better off accepting Downton for what it is, and, if you genuinely desire to watch the dynastic workings out of a dubious and fated elite – well, you’ve always got Game of Thrones.

Ultimately, no drama that refers to an offscreen character as Shrimpie is to be taken entirely seriously. So, it is in that spirit that we present our nominations for Series 4…

Most Ludicrous Possible ‘Comedy’ Storyline

Let us hope, for all our sakes, that Downton has run the gamut of ‘101 things that can go wrong in a kitchen’, and assume, instead, that Julian Fellowes will find a way of combining his love of a good village-bonding spectacle – like a flower festival or a cricket match – with Carson’s earlier, rarely mentioned, career as one half of a Music Hall double act.

What’s needed here is a village pageant, with Carson in the role of Danny Boyle during the ‘green and pleasant’ bit of the Olympic Opening Ceremony. Throw in a squabbling chorus of kitchen maids, each vying to be Queen of the May, and you could have the equivalent of the opening scenes of Roman Polanski’s Tess, as reimagined by Lynda Snell off The Archers.

It would be less ‘President of the Immortals’ and more ‘President of Equity’, but would give Jim Carter a great opportunity for spluttery-face acting, while allowing Daisy and Ivy to come over all ladylike in front of Jimmy and Alfred.

Biggest Shock Death

Clearly Dame Maggie’s Dowager Duchess cannot qualify for this. She may have been in her eighties or thereabouts in Series 1, which was set in 1912; but let’s be clear: women like that obstinately defy Fate to go on forever.

Excluding her as ineligible, therefore, the next one for the chop must surely be Matthew Crawley. In ‘real life’, assuming there is such a thing outside Downton, actor Dan Stevens is surely just a bit too, well, literary to be going on with this kind of fluff forever. You don’t judge the Booker one minute and return to period pulp the next. Besides which, with all his talk of progressive estates management, Matthew has surely had his cards marked twice over: once for daring to introduce change to Downton, and twice for being really very boring.

Does Matthew not realise? Downton does not change. That is its point. One may talk of modernity, the American way, and how they do things in London, just so long as that servants’ bell is still jingling in the opening sequence, and Isis the dog is on hand to pad, on cue, across the Wilton.

Biggest Anachronism

Okay, we are well aware that Julian Fellowes has denied that Downton Abbey is in any way anachronistic, the ‘big girl’s blouse’ (the first recorded use of which, as far as we aware, is 1969)! But when you’ve got characters making impassioned appeals for the liberal acceptance of their homosexuality, you’ve got to wonder.

Ultimately, half the fun of watching Downton is thinking, ‘They’d never have said that in 1920!’ So let’s have liberated writer Edith give into the independent woman within and start writing a series of feminist treatises. She could find an obvious ally in Isobel Crawley, who could set up her own House of Feminist Sympathy for Feminist Women with Feminist Ideals. It would be fabulous – lots of shots of flappers smoking cheroots, and all of them reading Edith’s ground-breaking latest. May we suggest, as a title, ‘The Second Sex’ or ‘The Female Eunuch’?

Biggest Soap Opera-Style Twist (see also: Most Significant Hitherto-Unmentioned Occupation, Family Member or Skill)

For many, one of the biggest shocks this series was that O’Brien – twisted, misanthropic loner-bitch, O’Brien – actually had a nephew and an off-screen sister. Here alone was a story worthy of Dynasty: two trout-faced harridans facing off across the mantelpiece to outdo each other in a series of purse-lipped putdowns.

Alas, what we got instead was Alfred the nephew being a bit clunky and biddable, albeit revealing astounding culinary flair. So let’s give us next series the storyline we were denied – the arrival of O’Brien’s sister. But, in true soap opera style, let’s go all the way and make her O’Brien’s evil twin. Cue lots of split-screen effects and the chance for double the dose of Siobhan Finneran: each sly-faced insult more insidious than the last. Sounds a winner to us!

What do you want to see in Series 4? Let us know below…

> Buy Series 3 on DVD on Amazon.

Watch the Series 3 trailer…