Lord Sugar is hunting the deadliest game of all; a suitable business partner, and after whipping out his double-barrelled firing blunderbuss last week he’s down to the Final Five candidates: Adam, Jade, Nick, Ricky, and Tom (codenamed The Ego, The Mouth, The Hair, The Muscles, and The Pout).

Which will win a slice of Scrooge McDuck’s fortune and his partnership in business?

Things finally started to become exciting in tonight’s penultimate episode. About time. This series has been far from as strong as previous years, thanks to some lacklustre tasks and a group of ‘cut out and keep’ candidates more suited to a stationery cupboard than a spotlight. But there’s nothing like the pressure of an imminent final to really bring out the worst in them, and give us 5 moments to savour…

Branding of the Week

Nick and Adam displayed such levels of ineptitude in their attempts to name their confectionary range, it was almost as if the spirit of the recently fired Rent-a-Twit Stephen had inhabited their brains. Adam reeled off names with the confidence of a Northern Willy Wonka; “Chocolite. ChocoLocal, Lovely Chocolate, ChocStop”, and none stuck.

In fact some made Nick pull a face that registered 7.5 on the Karren Brady Facial Contortion Scale. But was Nick about to do any better? No. “Cho-cho-cho,” he said, “It’s like a train, but it’s a chocolate train.”

The Sex Panther Award for Male Grooming

Meanwhile, Ricky and Tom were straining out names for their male grooming products with the efficiency of a constipated printing press. After coming up with suggestions which would have been more fitting for 19th century pornographic publications, they settled on ‘Modern Gentleman’, which still sounded like a dirty magazine that would have been found under Charles Dickens’ mattress (‘comely strumpets in the tightest whalebone corsets!’).

The end result was a product which you could imagine Anchorman‘s Brian Fantana using when not dousing himself with ‘Sex Panther’. Good news though: apparently 60% of the time, ‘Modern Gentleman’ works every time.

Marketing Strategy of the Week

Obviously Ricky and Tom’s target market was ‘men with chins’. But for Adam’s confectionary it was a bit harder to define. Or was it?

“We want a brand with a clear message,” stated Nick. After a moment’s thought Adam replied, “I’d like a bit of everything.” And such a carefully refined business strategy continued, as later on they decided their target market was “15 to Old” and then, when asked during the presentation, the demographic was stretched to “Everyone.” Because everyone likes overpriced chocolate, right?

Retail Strategy of the Week

Both teams set up their shops in a building at a wharf. Remember when wharves were places where gangsters unloaded bootleg hooch from tugs, and rats with neckerchiefs fought each other using makeshift shivs?

Anyway, Sterling’s shop was so dull it looked like a memorial service for a Nivea for Men executive lost at sea, and their Sweeney Todd executive experience wet shaves didn’t prove to be as exciting as they’d imagined, even with the prospect of Ricky massaging shaving goo into your face as Tom pouted and pointed.

Meanwhile, Jade and the boys were on the right track, as they had a bar serving up booze. That’s actually the second rule of business: ‘If you can’t sell it to ’em sober, get ’em drunk and try again.’

Musical Metaphor of the Week

The musically minded among you may have recognised a slow version of the tune ‘Boggis, Bunce & Bean’ from Wes Anderson’s 2009 film Fantastic Mr. Fox playing in the background after the presentations.

‘Why on earth would they use that tune?’ you ask. Well, Messrs Boggis Bunce and Bean were 3 successful businessmen who led themselves to ruin in the process of chasing after something they never had a chance of catching in the first place. And if that’s not a metaphor for the entirety of The Apprentice, we don’t know what is, folks.

See you next week for the final!

Aired at 9pm on Wednesday 30th May 2012 on BBC One.

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