In case you’re allergic to George Osborne and didn’t hear, the UK fell back into recession last week. Fear not though, viewers! Lord Sugar and his eager entrepreneurs are here to kick-start the economy with… fake tan and clockwork insects?

Yes, this week the candidates had to perfect the art of ‘smelling what’s selling’, a term that Shugsy seems to have stolen from the floristry business. It’s a task that rears its head every year, and is always one of the least entertaining obstacles on the Amstrad business assault course, usually only livened by the ineptitude of candidates. Lord Tate & Lyle loves it though, as it’s his chance to remind everyone of his ‘umble roots, selling chestnuts and microchips to Charles Dickens way back before the word ‘business’ had even been invented.

So under cover of darkness the candidates met Lord Sugar at a wholesale warehouse in Essex, in a scene that looked remarkably like a mob meeting to root out a snitch, rather than yet another exercise in rooting out profit…

Blindsiding of the Week

With the task set and 150 quid in the sweaty hands of each team, business beefcake Ricky Martin put himself forward as Project Manager for Team Sterling. Then young Nick (who was PM in week one’s task) piped up with a cheery “I’ll put myself forward”.

Stephen was quick to chime in with his support for Nick, swiftly followed by Gabrielle, and before you could say ‘The Only Way is Essex‘, Nick had been put in charge, leaving poor Ricky looking like a lost and bewildered puppy. It didn’t really get much better for Ricky after that, as he was mostly limited to schlepping back and forth to the cash & carry to get more stock. The one big chance he got to sell wasn’t exactly spectacular…

Most Embarrassing Pitch of the Week

Stephen and Ricky had set up their stall at glamorous Romford Market, and seemed particularly keen on shifting a bouquet of mops they had. Ricky took to the microphone to boldly declare their great value with an exciting and seductive opening sentence: “We’ve got some domestic items to sell to you…” But suddenly his snazzy patter was interrupted by the screech of feedback. Oops!

Never fear though, Stephen’s mop presentation was sure to draw in the deafened crowds, as he had a secret sales tactic, ‘The Bad Back’: pretend like you’ve got a bit of a bad back and that this miracle of mopping technology – “Extractable! Extendable!” – will not only keep your floors clean but keep you safe from spinal injury (also, how is a mop ‘extractable’ exactly Ricky? Does it mean it’s easy to pull out of places it gets stuck?). You’ll wonder how your floors stayed so shiny and your spine so straight.

Clearly there’s a plague of strained muscles and sciatica in Essex as they flew off the stall faster than a discounted vajazzling kit. Come to think of it, thank God no one had to sell any of those…

Cheek of the Week

It wouldn’t be The Apprentice without another egotistical gem from Adam, and he certainly didn’t let us down this week.

“If things don’t work out for you Jade you can always come and work for me”, he told his team leader as they packed up their pitch after a sluggish morning at the market. We don’t know what Adam’s entrepreneurial idea for Lord Sugar is, but we can only imagine it involves harnessing the vast quantities of hot air rushing from him and using it as a cheap source of renewable fuel.

The Del Boy Award for Entrepreneurial Spirit

Perhaps it was because they’d only given themselves ten minutes to choose their merchandise, but Jade’s team ended up with a selection of products so varied that their stalls looked like they had been stocked by Trotters Independent Traders.

Fake tan sat beside iPod docks and odd clockwork insects, giving their pitch a ‘mobile pound shop’ feel – a little island of tat in a sea of department store shops and big name chains. And yet clearly the Essex economy runs on spray bronzer and plastic bugs, because they were selling like hotcakes.

Young Tom was particularly excited by the profit margins being gained on the insects. “We’re buying them at 60p each”, he told the camera, then gave a shifty glance to the side to make sure none of the nearby customers had heard him “and selling them for 2 to 3 quid.” Yes Tom, it’s a good rule of business to try not to let on to your customers how much you’re ripping them off.

(Non-existent) Business Strategy of the Week

Normally Project Managers have to devise a strategy. This week Shugsy gave it to them on a plate: ‘smelling what’s selling’. Yes, it may have been an eye-rolling rhyme, but it was solid business advice. Solid business advice that Jade completely ignored.

With the bugs were selling well, Jade flew in the face of the advice/nagging from Azhar and Tom and insisted on her scattershot strategy of buying more of everything and then ordering everyone to “just do deals!”, which is advice only marginally more useful than Adam’s advice: “Concentrate on winning”.

Even earlier in the day she’d had a pricing strategy that defied common sense, sticking labels that read ‘Really cheap!’ on products and then relying on Adam’s barrow-boy charms. With such a loose grip on the task it’s no wonder she ended up in the line of fire in the boardroom, where once again she was without strategy. Unless her strategy was to look as sick as a parrot.

Aired at 9pm on Wednesday 2nd May 2012 on BBC One.

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