Doctor Who and Star Wars; Star Wars and Doctor Who.
One’s a decades-old, globally popular sci-fi adventure featuring a wise old man, a feisty young woman, aliens, robots, spaceships, and interstellar villains with a thirst for destruction and conquest. And the other is… err, also that.
No, of course they are very different! But that doesn’t stop us pitting fan-favourites against one another in a contest to see whose characters would win in a fight.
Who, for example, would emerge victorious from a Super Smash Bros style showdown? Could an Ewok kill a Chumbley? Might an AT-ST stand a chance against a Dalek? Is Grand Moff Tarkin able to fell The Grand Moffat? Could RTD vanquish R2D2?
Y’know, the kind of hypothetical conversation you have when you’re either 9 or drunk or me.
> Buy the complete original Star Wars saga box set on Amazon.
> Buy the complete Doctor Who Season 9 box set on Amazon.
So join me in a half-fanfic, half-playground, all-nonsense rundown of who would emerge victorious in the ultimate space scrap.
Two enter the CultBox chalk-outline of doom, one leaves. But which one? There’s only one way to find out… FIIIIIGHT!
K-9 vs R2-D2
Essentially a fight between a dustbin and a microwave. R2-D2 trundles around manically, dodging K-9’s laser blasts, until firing his grappling line and latching himself to the canine.
With a cheery ‘boop-bee-bloop!’ he quickly deploys his little saw and plasma torch, cutting into the dog with merciless surgical precision and making quick work of severing all of K-9’s vital systems.
Then, standing over the robo-mutt’s sparking corpse, he downloads all vital data pertaining to The Doctor, accidentally saving over Princess Leia’s vital message to Ben Kenobi in the process.
Winner: R2-D2
Captain Jack vs Han Solo
After making a quick piece of innuendo about the hairiness of his Wookie, Captain Jack reaches to his holster for his pistol, only to whip out a banana from the groves at the heart of Villengard (dammit, Doctor!).
But he’s already too late. Han draws his trusty blaster and shoots first (ha!). Off the smuggler swaggers, heading back to the Falcon, when he hears a gasp. Captain Jack’s alive!
Han, impressed, and in need of a man who can withstand an attack by a Rathtar, hires Jack to travel with him aboard the Millennium Falcon.
Winner: Probably Han, but really, all of us
BB-8 vs a Toclafane
Essentially paired against one another because they’re spherical, I’m afraid it doesn’t look good for the adorable BB-8.
Even chock full of gadgets, he can’t fly or fire lasers (though of course he does have that little plasma welder he uses to give Finn the finger).
Look, I don’t like the Toclafane either, but that thing would have the poor robo-ball’s head off with one well-placed shot or a quick sweep past with its spinning knives. A week after the fight, Poe Dameron receives a large Jiffy envelope of his droids assorted parts, and a £10 Argos gift voucher to go towards buying one of those cool toy ones.
Winner: Toclafane
Cyberman vs Stormtrooper
PEW-PEW-PEW!
ZAP-ZAP!
‘Delete!’
PEW-PEW!
‘Surrender, in the name of the Empire!’
ZAP!
PEW-PEW-PEW!
‘Delete!’
ZZZAP!
‘Aaaargh! God, why do we wear such crappy armour?!’
Winner: Cyberman
Chewbacca vs The Robot Yeti
Let the Wookie win. Always let the Wookie win.
Winner: Chewbacca
Continued on next page…