Join me in a half-fanfic, half-playground, all-nonsense rundown of who would emerge victorious in the ultimate space scrap…

 

C-3PO vs a Voc Robot

‘Greetings fellow droid! I am C-3PO, human/cyborg relations. I am fluent in over six million forms of communication. May I enquire as to your function? I see you’re lurching toward me with your arms outstretched – are you perhaps a chiropractic unit? I myself am not in need of any- Oh dear why do you have your hands around my neck? Oh my, your grip is very tight! It’s in danger of exceeding the stress tolerances on my servos! Can you understand me? Ow! Oh my I heard my casing pop! Please stop, you’re going to snap my head off! My wiring’s coming away, oh! Oh! R2! R2, HELP M-‘

Winner: Voc Robot

 

River Song vs Boba Fett

Let me tell you this: he looks cool, but Boba Fett is not ‘all that’. Never mind his (now non-canonical) Expanded Universe exploits, the man gets four lines of dialogue in the original trilogy and then falls into the Sarlaac Pit. At least his dad went down like a boss, fighting Mace Windu.

You never see him once live up to his formidable reputation; he’s just playing dress-up to be like daddy.

So no, Fett-fans, there’s no way he wins this. River would probably make a rude joke about getting her hands on his helmet, and then shoot a control valve on his jetpack, making Fett blast off in an uncontrollable corkscrew before blowing up with a Wilhelm Scream. No disintegration needed, sweetie.

Winner: River Song

*Nerdy Side Note: The best bounty hunter is, of course, Bossk, who wears exactly the same costume as that worn by Glynn Williams in ‘The Tenth Planet ‘(it’s a repurposed 1960s RAF Windak Pressure Suit).

 

Davros vs Darth Vader

One’s a half-man in a life-support wheelchair, the other’s a half-man in a life-support suit. Both have a fetish for leather and both look absolutely dreadful in the flesh.

But we all know there can be only one winner: Vader. Davros would use his electric finger, Vader would deflect the energy bolts with his lightsaber, and then he’d Force-choke Davros until he was just a shrivelled old walnut slumped over a portable workstation, like an alien Rupert Murdoch.

Winner: Darth Vader

 

Sarah Jane Smith vs Princess Leia

No, come on, neither of these two would choose fighting over diplomacy. Not even after Sarah-Jane found out that R2 had brutally slain her robot dog. Even if they did, they’re too equally matched, assuming Sarah-Jane has remembered some of the Third Doctor’s Venusian Aikido.

No, instead, they negotiate a peaceful solution over a glass of wine at the Bear Inn (aka that pub Sarah-Jane is enjoying a large pinot grigio outside of in the titles to K9 & Company, after clearly lugging her work desk and typewriter along the street).

Winner: Draw

 

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