Join me in a half-fanfic, half-playground, all-nonsense rundown of who would emerge victorious in the ultimate space scrap…
Jabba the Hutt vs Sil
Both disgusting slug-blokes, but there’s no contest here. With one great flatulent eruption, Jabba rolls over, crushing Sil to death. Jabba’s monkey-lizard court jester, Salacious Crumb (yep, really), looks on and maniacally cackles. What a world.
Winner: Jabba the Hutt
Missy vs Emperor Palpatine
She’d drained the power on her Death-Ray iPhone. He was exhausted from firing Force-lightning at her. Both were tired of monologuing. Missy said it was ‘bananas’ that they keep fighting.
The Emperor agreed, and then offered her a place at his side, promising they’d rule the galaxy together. She accepted and drew close to shake his hand. He felt a sharp pain in his chest. He pulled back and looked down.
Sticking out of his ribcage was… a pointy stick. With a groan he looked back to her. ‘Bananas!’ she grinned, and then pushed him down the big open maintenance shaft that The Emperor has – for no clear reason – in his office.
Winner: Missy
The Abzorbaloff vs Jar-Jar Binks
Okay, just power through this one. There’s an excruciating Benny Hill rip-off sequence, as the Abzorbaloff chases Jar-Jar for ten hours. Finally the waddling Northern alien from Clom (lots of planets have a North) catches the gangly Gungan and absorbs him.
Winner Abzorbaloff, right? Wrong.
His face still sticking out of the Abzorbalovian’s gut (“LIKE A HYBRID”), Jar-Jar proceeds to witter on inanely – ‘Meesa’ this and ‘Meesa’ that – until, driven insane by the vaguely racist pidgin gobbledegook, the Abzorbaloff commits suicide by destroying the limitation field in his cane and exploding into a gooey mess, to be eaten by the pigeons at their leisure. Weesa all relieved.
Winner: We will never speak of this again. This never happened. Got it?
Ace vs Rey
Ace swings with her baseball bat, only to find it cut in half! Rey stands before her, lightsaber ablaze, a great orchestral swell of John Williams’ score rising behind her. You know the one. Ace whips out a few canisters of Nitro-9 and chucks them in Rey’s direction.
Without realising it, Rey clumsily uses her latent Force powers to push them away. BOOM BOOM BOOM, goes the Nitro-9! Oh no, the blast catches Ace! Let this be a lesson to you rowdy teens – don’t go meddling with explosives. Just put bicarbonate of soda and vinegar down the toilet like I used to do.
Winner: Rey
The Doctor vs Obi-Wan Kenobi
Two wise old men. Again, like Sarah-Jane and Leia, wise enough to know when not to fight. What would happen? One brandishes a lightsaber, the other waves a sonic screwdriver. There’s a moment of gentlemanly comparison. Then buttons are pressed.
The Doctor’s sonic deactivates Obi-Wan’s lightsaber; Obi-Wan uses the Force to whip the sonic out of The Doctor’s hand. It’s stalemate, surely? Or does The Doctor try something timey-wimey? Does Obi-Wan Force-push The Doctor into oncoming traffic or a big lake of lava? I genuinely have no idea. Who am I, Chris Chibnall or something?
Winner: You decide!
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> Buy the complete Doctor Who Season 9 box set on Amazon.
Who do you think the winners would be? Which other characters should take each other on? Let us know below…