In all likelihood, there is no way that BBC Three’s short-lived and quietly hilarious sitcom The Smoking Room will ever make a comeback.
Can you imagine a whole show based around smoking being commissioned these days? It’s been barely a decade since the show ran, and it managed to catch the very tail end of it being sort of okay to smoke on TV. If the show attempted a comeback today, various fun-sapping groups who have missed the point entirely would no doubt lobby for the name to be changed to The E-Lites Room, or maybe The Nice Cup of Tea Room. In fact, star Robert Webb cited the UK smoking ban as a factor in why The Smoking Room never got a third series.
Whatever the reason, this could perhaps be viewed as a blessing in disguise. The Smoking Room will forever remain small but perfectly formed, never having to succumb to a cash-laden spin-off or a comeback special.
This way, we get to look back fondly, at a show that was as near to perfect as any sitcom can get. There was no guffawing laugh track to tell you which bits were funny – you were encouraged to figure that out for yourself. There were no semi-nude models parading around saying vaguely funny things about their hair now and again. There was no one tripping over and glancing at the camera.
In a way, The Smoking Room was the most British of British sitcoms – it was quiet, understated, and full of cigarette smoking losers.
The main thing that made The Smoking Room such a joy to watch was the cast. Each character was cast perfectly, and no one was the star. Instead, each person brought something unique and necessary to the table, since each was someone you could find in almost any workplace.
> Buy the complete Series 1-2 boxset on Amazon.
I’d like to take you through this ensemble of misfits now. If you ever watched The Smoking Room, you will look back fondly. If you’ve never seen it, then the following list just might make you feel better about your own sorry life.
Robin
Played by a pre-interstellar fame Robert Webb, Robin is less employee, more smoking room furniture. He has only ever been known to leave the smoking room once, during a fire alarm, and even then he made sure to finish his ciggy before leaving.
Robin is always just about to go back to his office, particularly when his manager makes an appearance, but he never quite manages this.
Robin attempts to hide several things behind a mask of sarcasm and general disdain for the world – his disappointment with life, his disappointment with the man he turned out to be, and his homosexuality, which manifests as an achingly sweet crush on Ben, a post room worker whom we only ever see the back of.
Clint
Played by Fraser Ayres, Clint is the company’s maintenance guy and all round fun loving man-child. He claims to have always wanted to be a maintenance man (ever since he saw the ad in the paper).
Clint is the proud owner of a novelty toy named M.C. Sheep, and is known for his love of inappropriate beatboxing, normally in the middle of other people’s conversations. When talk in the smoking room comes round to movies, Clint will invariably recommend a porn film he’s recently enjoyed, not realising the others aren’t likely to share his enthusiasm.
Despite projecting an aura of being 10 years old, Clint does prove he can be an adult when it counts. When he discovers he’s possibly fathered a child by an unseen co-worker, he dismisses the opinions of the other, more cynical smokers, and decides he’s going to do the right thing and marry the mother. However, the pregnancy turns out to be a false alarm, so Clint is free to return to his life of terrible rapping, and building snowmen with names like Sir Frostalot.
Lillian
Played by sitcom stalwart Paula Wilcox. You know those shrieking, dolled up but desperate looking women who frequent hen nights? They’re all Lillian.
A ‘happily divorced’ 50 something, Lillian is desperate to regain her lost youth, and will refer to herself as ‘quite with it and outgoing’ to anyone who will listen. She loves to flash her knickers on the pool table on a Friday night, as long as there are witnesses that will enable her to act ashamed the following Monday.
Lillian is always on the lookout for ‘a new fella’, but has very strict criteria that this ‘fella’ must meet. Outsiders viewing the show can see that she is a perfect match for Len, the foul mouthed yet gentlemanly security guard (see below). Sadly, this romance never materialises.
Len
Played by Leslie Schofield (EastEnders), Len is one of the company’s two security guards. Foul mouthed to the point of offending Frankie Boyle, he nevertheless effs and blinds in such a cheerful, friendly way that the others view him as ‘just being Len’.
He has an uncharacteristic obsession with Disney, in one episode missing a vital security tape because he was watching The Little Mermaid on the video player. Len works with the unseen Ranjit on the front desk; Ranjit frequently steals Len’s things when Len goes for a cigarette, giving Len increasingly far fetched excuses, such as ‘magpies stole your sunglasses’, which Len believes without question, for the most part.
A long term widower, Len is single but appears to be content with his lot, filling his time with his grandchildren and Disney videos, not to mention his friendship with mutton dressed as lamb colleague Lillian.
Sally and Annie
Played by Nadine Marshall and Debbie Chazen, Sally and Annie come as a pair, albeit a sniping, bitching pair. When they’re in the smoking room individually, they will generally spend their time moaning about each other. They are best friends, but most of the time they appear to hate each other.
Annie is the one that everyone would hate, were it not for the fact that everyone is more like her than they’d care to admit. She’s an overweight, selfish freeloader, and she always manages to steer the conversation back to herself.
Sally, despite her tough, straight talking exterior, is the only one soft hearted enough to put up with Annie’s crap. This makes her official persona as a hard faced bitch less believable, since we’ve seen how caring she is with Annie (and Clint, and Robin in a few episodes).
Usually, viewers will see Sally comforting Annie over some imagined crisis in Annie’s life. Sally is the one who gives Annie cigarettes and much needed (if sometimes threatening) pep talks. If I were to analyse this show far too much, I might say that Sally is a figment of Annie’s imagination, because she puts up with Annie more than anyone else realistically would. Also, Annie never ever buys her own cigarettes.
Barry
A shy, overlooked Blake’s 7 fan, Barry (Jeremy Swift) is a self-confessed ‘nice guy’, and he blames this character trait for the fact that he can never get promoted, despite his best efforts.
Barry’s hobbies include hill walking, crosswords, and researching scientific advances in immortality. The latter is due to Barry’s phobia of everything he can possibly imagine, although he does appear to handle real life crises reasonably well.
Barry’s crossword efforts are a recurring joke on the show, and it’s usually the case that Robin has to provide Barry with the correct answers.
In one episode, Barry proudly announces that he’s completed the entire Times crossword, a feat never before accomplished by him. However, Robin goes through his answers one by one, declaring each one to be wrong, and yet somehow still fit the grid.
Barry is also known for his one-time romance with manager Sharon, who was Barry’s secretary at the time, until a misunderstanding over tube stations led to the end of their relationship. It is revealed towards the end of the show’s run that Barry never really got over Sharon. It is debatable whether Sharon ever got over Barry, which may be the real reason for his lack of promotion.
Janet
The only non-smoking regular, played by Selina Griffiths (Being Human actress and daughter of Annette Crosby). Janet often spends time in the smoking room, ostensibly to discuss some work related matter, despite the room’s ‘no shop talk’ rule, invented by Clint. In reality, Janet comes to the smoking room to escape the clutches of Sharon, her immediate boss. Her role as Sharon’s PA sees her doing everything from putting up adverts for paintballing (misspelled ‘pantballing’), to fetching Sharon’s lunch in the pouring rain despite having just had her hair done.
Janet is the well-meaning yet put upon dogsbody, and despite her general disdain for smoking, swearing and taking breaks of any kind, is welcomed in the smoking room, as the others sympathise with her plight.
Although hopelessly single for most of the show, Janet eventually finds a bit of happiness with the mysterious ‘Noel’, who sings in a folk band and wears a tie at all times, ‘even with a polo neck’.
Sharon
The big cheese of the company, answering only to the mysterious ‘head office’. Played by Siobhan Redmond (Between the Lines), Sharon has no interpersonal skills whatsoever, appearing to only understand or care about the company. This possibly explains how she was able to become the general manager of the company, after starting as Barry’s secretary sometime in the 1980s.
However, Sharon is unhappy with her social ineptitude, and we see her making numerous attempts to integrate with her colleagues, with limited success.
Sharon comes into the smoking room for work purposes, but unlike Janet, also comes for the occasional cigarette. She normally does this under duress, such as when she feels obliged to attend a birthday celebration, or when there is a dead pigeon on her private balcony.
We learn over the course of the show that Sharon is single but does have a cat, who has no name, and whom she occasionally shouts at. She doesn’t drink or watch TV, or see the point of most social activities. However, had things turned out a little differently, she could perhaps have been one of the gang, given her eagerness to fit in, and also to drink vodka with pasta sauce, as provided by Sally.
Heidi
Played by Emma Kennedy, known primarily as an author and for her work with comedian Richard Herring – Heidi is a smug, boring ‘wife and mum’, and everything she says causes the others to attempt to chew their own ears off. Although a non-smoker, Heidi does make occasional visits to the smoking room, just to make sure everyone in the company knows she is still married with a baby.
Heidi’s marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. We learn from her various anecdotes that her husband Keith is a racist, sexist homophobe, who bullies an oblivious Heidi.
Various things learned about Keith include the fact that he tested his baby son’s sexuality by getting him to choose between a screwdriver and a pan scrubber, his reluctance to let too many females babysit in case his son ‘grows up funny’, and his reason for staying married to Heidi (his last marriage was ‘without issue’).
Gordon
Gordon is a smarmy, womanizing ex-alcoholic, who originally appears as a non-smoker, but eventually succumbs to ‘Lady Nicotine’. Everything about Gordon is designed to rub people up the wrong way – his droney, over-emphasising way of speaking, his invention of ‘fun games we can play while we’re smoking’, and his referring to things he likes as ‘brillogs’.
Gordon resumes the fags and booze due to the breakdown of his marriage to Colette, who we only encounter through phone conversations.
Despite his marital problems, Gordon remains optimistic, attempting to come on to Lillian during her birthday party, and later declaring to his colleagues that he has a good thing going with a woman on the internet. However, Gordon’s hard living lifestyle eventually catches up with him, and we see him suffering a possible heart attack in one episode, causing him to have ‘shat himself’.
Monique
Despite only appearing in two episodes, Monique (Casualty‘s Sunetra Sarker) makes a lasting impression as the only character more hated than Annie. She’s the person who is good at everything, making everyone else look bad by default.
When we first encounter her, she is the only one in the group who can remember the theme tune to Little House On The Prairie, before going on to fix the coffee machine, much to Clint’s chagrin. She then demonstrates her knowledge of Polish, and reveals that she has been headhunted, beating Barry to a senior management position. We next see Monique at Lillian’s birthday party, where she opens a bottle of wine for a struggling Barry, who proceeds to make hate faces behind her back.
Even Sharon appears intimidated by Monique, given her apparent skill at making small talk with people. On one occasion Sharon makes an outright attempt to prove she can mingle as well as Monique, proceeding to inadvertently discuss Len’s dead wife with him, while Monique looks on smugly.
Both series of this overlooked classic are available on DVD, and I would advise you to grab a copy, switch your phone off for the weekend, and sit there with a cup of terrible coffee, moaning along with the gang.
After all, moaning is what makes Britain great.
> Take a look at Jenny Morrill’s website, World of Crap.
Who was your favourite character in The Smoking Room? Let us know below…