Don’t deny it; you’ll all be doing the ‘funky lunge’ and the ‘super punch’ next time you’re at the gym. This week’s Apprentice task was fitness based, which was apt, as this was an episode that exercised every single one of the muscles you use to cringe.

The candidates were summoned to the York Hall boxing ring, where boardroom bantamweight Alan ‘Sugar-Fists’ Sugar set them the task of creating a brand new exercise routine to flog to gyms. Loveable buffoon and Health Club sales rep Stephen became project manager for Phoenix, while Latin pop-sensation part-time wrestler Ricky Martin promised that we’d all ‘witness the fitness’ (commencing eye-roll…) with him commanding Sterling.

Choreography of the Week: Part 1

Stephen’s team came up with an array of retro moves for their ‘Groove Train’ exercise regime, many of which included props stolen from a child in 1975, and resulted in bizarre titles like ‘swing-a-ling’. Really though, if they were going to pillage the past for fitness where was the 90s ‘Big Fish, Little Fish, Cardboard Box’ cardio workout? For shame, people.

Greengrocer and Karl Pilkington sound-alike Adam Corbally was charged with bringing Phoenix’s retro-regime to life with some choreography for their promotional video, much of which made him look like a dancing cat as he taught it to the dancer. It’s he we have to thank for the brand new move ‘the funky lunge’.

Actually it was a dip rather than a lunge, and became ‘the funky squat’ for the promo vid. What made it funky? Who the funk knows. You might also have noticed that Adam even rebranded the sit-up as ‘Adam’s abs’. It’s a wonder he didn’t put a move called ‘Corbally’s crunches’ in as well.

‘Undermined by Editing’ Moment of the Week

“You can never be too prepared,” said Ricky as he practised his presentation. Whoa, hang on a minute, that made sense! Let’s just pause right there and bask in the rare glow of a candidate actually saying something other than mangled hyperbole for once, shall we? In fact Ricky performed with the competency of an actual human adult this week, while many others were losing their heads and trying to lose pounds.

But The Apprentice isn’t about to let someone look like they know what they’re doing. Oh no. As Ricky swelled with pride – “There’s no falling outs, there’s no arguments, there’s no bickering, everyone’s really happy” – we cut to the sub-team of Nic, Laura, and Duane arguing in the car and freely admitting that they’ve had a thoroughly stressful day, with “a disagreement at every single stage”.

That wasn’t the end of it though, as Laura and Duane began to bicker further before an awkward silence smothered everyone like Belissimo sauce on a pork pie.

Choreography of the Week: Part 2

In Sterling’s presentation to a small gym, Duane stepped up to demonstrate one of their moves, the ‘Super Punch’ aaaand… completely cocked it up, resembling Superman in a failed take-off attempt. Not even a second try was successful.

Oh Duane, first the chutney, then the gift horse last week, now this… Will your weekly embarrassment never cease?

Most Embarrassing Pitch of the Week

Stephen’s Groove Train rolled into the offices of Fitness First, to pitch their regime in front of three of the most miserable people in the world, and we got our first look at their promo, starring Azhar.

Never the most gregarious candidate, poor Azhar looked like the reluctant leader of a group of ambitious rejects from Fame, as he gyrated through a discotheque nightmare of funky lunges and invisible hula-hoops. His task of being enthusiastic about such deranged movement was made all the more difficult by being forced to wear a pair of red shorts that were so tight they nearly took the shine off his disco balls.

All the while the Fitness First trio sat stony faced, clearly unmoved by the energetic display, or perhaps worried that this exercise regime was going to turn their gym into an ersatz Studio 54 every Wednesday night.

“So do you want to talk about the package?” asked the chief Fitness First woman, who we hope was referring to the business plan rather than anything discerned from Azhar’s miraculously tight shorts.

Surprise Victory of the Week

So, after being well-led by Ricky, creating a decent promo, and learning from successive pitches, Team Sterling lost to Stephen’s Team Phoenix. Wait, what?

In retrospect we should have realised that it was going too well for Ricky’s team; that despite Duane and Laura having a falling out, Sterling outperformed the Space-Hopper-based business plans of Phoenix.

When it came to the boardroom it looked like Ricky’s Team Sterling were going to clinch it, with two interested gyms who’d put sizeable offers in, compared to zero who’d been interested in boarding Phoenix’s Groove Train. But then along came the bid from Virgin, who offered Phoenix a whopping 12 grand to take their Groove Train and re-work it for the family market. Jaws dropped all round. Feel free to insert your own puns about Virgin running trains here, we don’t want to be sued.

So for Team Sterling, there’d been a lot of puffing and sweat and exertion, and all for results that hardly seemed worth it in the end. Much like a proper trip to the gym then.

Aired at 9pm on Wednesday 18th April 2012 on BBC One.

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