Here are 12 Doctor Who action figures that no child should part with their pocket money for, nor any collector should ever let see the light of day.

 

Toby Zed (Un-possessed)

You reach deep into the bargain bin, pushing past a Beanie Baby bear and a ‘Nicholas Cage as Ghost Rider’ figurine, and pull out something contained in Doctor Who packaging.

It’s a white male in a top and dark trousers. Peeling off the patchwork of ‘DISCOUNT’ stickers, you see that it’s ‘Toby Zed Un-possessed’.

You stare at the thing for a moment, trying to remember where you saw Toby Zed Un-possessed. Oh that’s right, ‘The Impossible Planet’. Then you drop the thing back on top of a figure of some pig-man, and go to find your partner and the shopping trolley.

 

Doctor Constantine

‘I don’t belieeeeeve it!’ you might say as you look at this.

What fun might you have with Richard Wilson’s Doctor Constantine? Perhaps enjoy putting him in a variety of poses as he considers the findings of the Beveridge Report and the setting up of the National Health Service? Or treating your Winston Churchill action figure (see below) for a nasty bout of gout?

The only way Doctor Constantine could be a fun toy is if Character Options made an action figure of Amy’s neighbour Mrs Angelo (Annette Crosby) from ‘The Eleventh Hour’, because then you’d have scale representations of Victor and Margaret Meldrew and you’d be able to enact your favourite One Foot in the Grave moments with them. We suggest you start by burying Doctor Constantine in the garden under a flowerpot.

 

Damaged Dalek Thay

There are PLENTY of Dalek action figures out there, in all manner of colours and configurations, and most of them are very good indeed – yes, even the Paradigm ones (I still love you, Orange Dalek). There are also some pretty cool-looking ‘battle-damaged’ and ‘Asylum’ versions. And then there’s Dalek Thay.

Damaged Dalek Thay is the one who gave up some of his Dalekanium (rubs-forehead) in ‘Evolution of the Daleks’ and now has some, I don’t know, scrap iron or something, welded onto his backside. If you want a damaged Dalek, you want one that looks like it’s gone ten-rounds with a laser blaster, not had botched cosmetic surgery.

 

25 Baby Adipose

Naught but a packaged choking hazard. Small enough to lose easily among the sofa cushions, ingeniously shaped so as to cause maximum agony if you step on one in your socks, and the kind of thing you’ll be finding in the oddest of places around the house for years to come, these Baby Adipose are utterly useless and joyless.

The worst part is, as they’re plastic, they’ll still be around long after you’re dead and turned to dust.

 

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