Here we look at some of the weirdest and worst stuff to ever feature 007’s face.

Now, pay attention…

 

007 Fragrance

What does James Bond and/or his lifestyle, smell like? A concoction of vodka-breath, cordite, and 3am casino? Maybe heavy love-making and cigarettes?

I do not know because no relative has ever been clueless or passive-aggressive enough to ever buy me the James Bond 007 Eau de Toilette set for Christmas. No one in my family reads anything I write on here, so I remain ignorant of its odour. If you’ve dunked yourself in it, please get in touch and let us know if it’s ‘a trifle overpowering’.

 

Franklin Mint Plates

For display purposes only, so you’d never eat off them, which is a shame. You could make a great dinner party game out of these horrendous porcelain picture discs, as each guest tries to guess which Bond film they’re dining off as they clean their plate.

Imagine. After five minutes of polite shovelling, your last forkful of Shepherd’s Pie reveals Connery in his tux. Eating another carrot allows a view of a scantily clad lady. You push the broccoli (eugh) aside and see Little Nellie! It’s ‘You Only Live Twice’!

You’re about to shout out your answer, and impress your host, when Gordon from next door holds up his tacky plate and shouts ‘Goldfinger!’ through a mouthful of potato. Gordon, you bastard.

 

Exploding Spoon

Alright, this isn’t official merchandise, but it’s too good to pass. Back in the 1980s, Spanish toy manufacturer and flagrant violator of intellectual property, Coibel, made quite a few knock-off Bond toys, under the banner ‘Agent X-9’, all of which had a picture of Roger Moore emblazoned on them.

Among them were a number of ‘exploding’ Bond toys (basically just a cap-gun style system) including a lighter, pen, and coin. But the oddest of all was the ‘Exploding Spoon’.

Well, what spy wouldn’t like cutlery with a fuse? Perhaps James Bond has an ankle holster for his exploding spoon, or, perhaps Coibel were hoping it would be used at Ahmed’s tea party…? You’re welcome, Spy Who Loved Me fans.

 

James Bond Rubber Bands

The films gloss over it, but Fleming’s novels regularly remind you that James Bond always has a lot of paperwork to do and that, off-page, he spends as much time sat behind his desk as he does dicking about out in the field/in the bedroom.

So if you are a child or adult wishing to recreate 007’s lifestyle to the full, it’s only fair you spend some time collating documents with some James Bond brand rubber bands. This is presumably what Daniel Craig was referring to with that inexplicable ‘I can’t find the, um, stationery’ line in Quantum of Solace.

 

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