The ‘Doctor Who’ Emergency Fanw*nk Hotline Week 1: ‘The Pilot’

Hello. This article contains spoilers for ‘The Pilot’.

Indeed, it won’t make any sense unless you’ve watched and listened and paid attention during ‘The Pilot’. It may still not make sense. I don’t know all of you, I’m in no position to judge.

Basically, if you have any stress or important, fannish questions about ‘The Pilot’, simply ring the number Clara rings in ‘The Bells of St John’ and press the number most suited to your query:


Press 1 if you are annoyed that the photo of River Song was bigger than the photo of Susan.

Press 2 if you haven’t quite mastered the art of running like Peter Capaldi and would like some tips.

Press 3 if you’re already planning your Movellan cosplay.

Press 4 if you haven’t, as yet, reconciled how to fit these emotional Movellans from the past into your personal headcanon.

Press 5 if you are furious that a shape-shifting liquid spaceship with a crush is immune to Dalek ray guns.

Press 6 if you are completely satisfied that a shape-shifting liquid spaceship with a crush is immune to Dalek ray guns because they’re meant to scramble your internal organs and surely if you’re just liquid and have no internal organs they wouldn’t do anything?

Press 7 if you feel incredibly smug about pressing 6.

Press 8 if you feel emotionally drained after the Mind Wipe thing happened again.

Press 9 if you aren’t ready to let Peter Capaldi go just yet.

Gleefully mash the # button to celebrate the character of Bill Potts.

Furiously mash the * button to rage into the abyss.


Pre-order the new season on DVD on Amazon here.

Pre-order the new season on Blu-ray on Amazon here.

What did you think of ‘The Pilot’? Let us know below…

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