The Doctor Who Emergency Fanw*nk Hotline Week 7: ‘The Lie of the Land’

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This article contains spoilers for ‘The Lie of the Land’, and like ‘The Lie of the Land’ it contains a number of potentially good ideas, many of which will remain unexplored.

Press 1 if – and this may be because you were watching a work in progress version – you feel like subpar photoshopping is the post-2005 series’ jabolite.

Press 2 if you are convinced that Capaldi is on a three-gif-per-episode quota.

Press 3 if you feel like the Monks’ plans for conquest were a tad heteronormative.

Press 4 if you feel it is now canon that the Doctor listens to Wittertainment.

Press 5 if you heard the Doctor say the safest place was by his side, and immediately added it to your list of “Lies the Doctor tells for reasons of narrative necessity.”

Press 6 if you listened to the tape recording Bill made, and thought “Jeez, Lawrence Miles could go full Unquiet Dead on this subtext.”

Press 7 if your main problem with the episode was that the pyramid turned out to be a spaceship all along and now you’re just craving the backstory to their obsession with pyramids, sending you on a journey of discovery as you ultimately write the fanfic where young Monks writing fanfic about the Osirans, then later the Jagaroth are passing a Monk-infested planet and think ‘Ooh, if I were ever split into multiple aspects of myself throughout a planet’s history I think I’d like to introduce monuments of that shape to a pre-Christian civilisation’, and before you know it you’re penpals with Gary Russell.

Press 8 if you thought it was about time the ‘Finding yourself secured in a position of safety against your will while someone else saves the day’ thing happened to the Doctor.

Press 9 if you feel like ‘Version of your Mum you carry around in your head’ provides-a-similar-narrative-function-yet-is-vastly-superior to ‘The most important leaf in human history’.

Furiously mash the # button if you are furious that the show has destroyed the character of the Master and also coincidentally you hate change and want everything to be 1971 forever.


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