Spoilers!

It’s the end.

And I was not prepared for that.

The point of these is to be silly about fannish concerns, and seeing as you may very well have all the feels, I’m not about to break out of glib pseudo-commentary mode and say anything serious now. Also, frankly, that episode had enough fanwank in it to render all these articles redundant anyway.

There are spoilers below for The Doctor Falls, and also an 80s comic strip.

Press 1 if you look forward to Moffat – or to give him his full name Steve Moffat (And I Know He Has His Faults) – explaining in Doctor Who Magazine that Missy’s great idea in The Witch’s Familiar was to open a bakery that delivered cakes at night, because why should you be able to get a kebab at 9pm but not a selection of delicious pastries?

Press 2 if you are torn between wanting Missy not to be dead and thinking that’s a perfect ending for the Master.

Press 3 if your recovery from this episode is being aided by imagining a version of The Doctor Falls starring Matt Smith and Sylvester McCoy, where two Doctors visit Iceworld again and just fall over in a variety of entertaining ways.

Press 4 if you’re assuming the colony ship is perpetually stuck next to the Black Hole, with the continually evolving Cybermen trapped inside the ship and Spare Parts happening back on Mondas, thus maintaining headcanon integrity and keeping your fanfic options open.

Press 5 if you worry that, by mentioning Marinus, the Doctor confirms the continuity of Grant Morrison’s The World Shapers – a Sixth Doctor comic that retcons the Cybermen originated from the Voord (as seen in The Keys of Marinus) – not because this contradicts basically everything, but because it means Jamie’s death is canon. Surely everyone has suffered enough already Moffat? You MONSTER.

Press 6 if you vastly prefer a show where, instead of death happening, everyone’s cutting about being queer through all of time and space.

Press 7 if the thought has just occurred to you that there must’ve been a really awkward moment back on Gallifrey with Rassilon, the Doctor’s Mother, and the Master which somehow culminated in the Time Lords giving the Master a TARDIS. My headcanon, if you’ll permit me to indulge, is that Rassilon regenerates into Donald Sumpter, the High Council flap their arms around, run in circles, and faff about for a bit. While this is happening the Master steals a TARDIS, blows a raspberry, and shouts ‘jog on’ while flicking Vs at everybody. After an awkward pause the Doctor’s Mum decides to calm everybody down by telling them a nice relaxing story about the Hybrid, but by the time anyone thinks to ask her any questions about its nuances she’s disappeared in a puff of enigma.

Press 8 if you wonder how long the Doctor spent on the floor of the TARDIS given that all the soot fell off him and his hair went Pertwee big.

Press 9 if watching David Bradley channeling Peter Capaldi channeling Richard Hurndall channeling William Hartnell on primetime BBC 1 made you channel David Tennant at the end of Last of the Time Lords.

Furiously mash the # button if you aren’t looking forward to the BBC ebook explaining how Nardole and his new family are trapped in an unremittingly bleak and harrowing struggle to survive.

Gleefully mash the * button if you look forward to the BBC ebook explaining how Nardole ends up in a sort of Sound of Music situation with the Nazis replaced by Cybermen.

The Doctor Who Emergency Fanw*nk Hotline will return at Christmas