The first casino movies that I ever watched I thought they would teach me how to play the actual games that go on in a casino. Turns out that is definitely not the case. 10-year-old me was a little disappointed to say the least. I wanted to be a card shark dammit! Relegated to playing Texas Hold ‘Em on our PC instead…

Even though we don’t ever get to learn any house tricks in the movies (c’mon, as if casinos are ever going to allow that!), we do often get to learn some other valuable lessons instead. If you’re up for some real casino tips, you can use these tips at Spinland, otherwise strap in and put your learning cap on as we get schooled – in these casino movie moments.

Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas – Don’t do drugs, kids

Fear & Loathing, the cult classic that’s both an absolute delight and an absolute horror! Terry Gilliam directs Johnny Depp in a quasi-autobiographical account from the bizarre mind of Hunter S. Thompson – namely a drug-soaked trip to Las Vegas.

Depp, as Raoul Duke, travels with his lawyer, played by Benicio Del Toro, to Vegas on a journalistic assignment, however the two end up doing a truckload of drugs instead.

Anyone who has overconsumed in a hotel room before and trashed the place will have a familiar uneasy feeling watching Raoul wake up from the floor of the Flamingo Suite, microphone duct-taped to his head, wearing a giant lizard tail…

“What kind of addict would need all these coconut husks and crushed honeydew rinds?

Would the presence of junkies account for all these uneaten french fries?

These puddles of glazed ketchup on the bureau?

Maybe so… but then why all this booze…?

…

How many nights and weird mornings had this sh*t been going on? Something ugly had happened. I was sure of it.

Who is that? Oh. Shit, that’s me.”

Yeesh. My skin crawls just thinking about it. Don’t do drugs, kids. And especially don’t do them in Vegas.

Pretty much how I looked after a weekend in Vegas

Ocean’s 11 – Don’t let reality get in the way of an easy plot device

We’ve all seen Ocean’s 11. Most of us have seen it at least 3 times. That thing is always on TV. Plus, it’s wonderful for the fact that it is Clooney at his smoothest.

One of the elements of the movie that allows our crack team to attempt to pull off the big casino heist in Ocean’s 11 is “the pinch”. Remember the pinch? If you don’t, then it’s that device that goes off like a bomb, but with an electro-magnetic pulse that shuts down any power source in its blast radius.

So, the dudes steal a pinch and put it into action. Only problem is, in real-life, the pinch they’d need would be so big in physical size there’s no way they’d be able to move it. But hey, we can’t let that get in the way of a good story. Or we’d be in Barney. (Barney Rubble? Trouble?)

Let’s just concentrate on the elite team of actors being smooth af and pulling off the impossible instead.

21 – Getting a job at Google > making bank on blackjack

While 21 is often glossed over as a bit of a nothing flick, I really did enjoy it. Granted that when I watched it I had already made a me-shaped groove in the sofa that I wasn’t about to vacate any time soon due to an 8.5/10 hangover. I would’ve enjoyed pretty much anything I didn’t have to think about too much, so long as my pizza was delivered on time. But still, 21 was good enough lazy Sunday afternoon watching material.

As you might guess by the title, the movie’s about blackjack, based on a true story with a group of brainiac MIT students roped into a card counting ring by a professor.

Now hold up a sec, I hear you say. Isn’t card counting complex? Didn’t you say you were brain dead watching this movie?

Don’t worry. It’s hardly about the counting and more about the drama-rama-rama here.

One of the most amusing sequences in this movie – well for me anyway – is the exchange between our main character and his mentor.

Ben: So, why are you telling me?

Micky: Well, let’s just say a spot opened up on our roster.

Ben: How?

Micky: Jimmy got a job at Google.

Ben: Jim… Jimmy got a job at Google?

Micky: Yeah, it’s catchy, I know.

Ben: Well, if you’re making so much money at this, then why did he take it?

Micky: Ben, I said Google, not Sizzler.

There’s a lesson here. If you’re crushing it doing some risky business and somebody offers you a job at Google, then for the love of god, take it. But if it’s Sizzler? Hey, being on the other side of the dessert bar isn’t that exciting. Trust.

Showgirls – Market Your Movie to Your Audience

I have a confession to make. I only watched Showgirls for the first time last month. And while it’s not strictly a “casino” movie, it’s about showgirls in the casinos in Vegas being the cutthroat b*tches they (probably) are.

This. Movie. Rocked.

This movie also flopped big time at the box office. It cost $45 million to make and grossed just $20 million. So why was it such a big, sucky failure?

IMO, marketing. Plus – this movie was always going to be a cult classic. It shouldn’t have been a big studio production; it should’ve been an indie hit.

It’s camp, it’s OTT, it’s hilarious and salacious. There’s T&A aplenty. Instead of marketing Showgirls to the right audience (gay guys and sassy chicks) the movie was marketed to straight men like it was a stripper movie. It’s not. The T&A is just in there. I’m willing to bet straight guys think this movie is a snore and put it on mute.

If you’ve ever watched the Christina Aguilera / Cher movie Burlesque – and if you haven’t watched it, do it now, if you’re in the target audience I mentioned – Showgirls is like the amped up version of it.

Lesson? You can make a movie that (some) people will love, but if you don’t market it correctly then you won’t make any money.