‘In all our future meetings, I would know him more and he would know me less…’

To assuage the bewilderment of those who had struggled to follow the cockeyed chronology of the great love affair between Professor River ‘Melody Pond’ Song and Doctor Doctor ‘Doctor’ Who, BBC Three’s late, lamented Doctor Who Confidential put together a timeline, narrated by Alex Kingston, of the River Song story from beginning to end.

Or is it end to beginning? Either way, it clears up any confusion and proves that it does all make sense after all. No, honestly, it does…

‘He’s a useless shite, that boy. Punish him for me, Errol.’

Brick Top from Snatch dons the helmet and mask and joins the Galactic Empire under the name ‘Darth Vader’. Essential viewing for all fans of potty-mouthed cockney gangsters ringing up Grand Moff Tarkin to call the governor a ‘see-you-next-Tuesday’…

‘What the hell is this?’

Annie settles down with George and Mitchell to watch an unmarked DVD that somebody has sent her. It turns out to be something so hideous that even the supernatural flatmates are freaked out… and not only because it’s inexplicably soundtracked by Flo Rida…

‘Can I do this – or do I look like some sort of gay superhero?’

More vaguely amusing visual juxtaposition as Captain Picard is surprised during a meeting of high-level staff on the Starship Enterprise by some surprisingly candid video footage of himself. The smirk on Commander Riker’s face as he says, ‘I wish I’d known that Jean-Luc Picard,’ is a priceless moment of inappropriate perviness…

‘Through cosmic wastes the TARDIS flies, to taste the secret source of life…’

The idea of Matt Smith releasing a version of the Doctor Who theme tune with quasi-spiritual lyrics about listening to metallic teeth beginning to grind is either the stuff of nightmares or a hitherto un-thought-of marketing manager’s wet dream.

Either way, it’s as unlikely in 2012 as it was run-of-the-mill in the 1970s, a decade when the idea of a TV star releasing an ‘in character’ song was par for the course – if you don’t believe us, check out John Inman singing ‘Are You Being Served, Sir?’

But first, listen to Jon Pertwee getting all mystical in his (tragically uncharting) 1972 single, ‘Who is the Doctor?’…
 

‘This car’s a sod to drive at the moment…’

But before anyone starts thinking Pertwee was a grandiloquent old git, here he is on the set of The Five Doctors, struggling to get to grips with vintage roadster Bessie and swearing like a fishwife with a stubbed toe…