The ‘Doctor Who’ Emergency Fanw*nk Hotline Week 3: ‘Thin Ice’

Hello you. This article contains spoilers for ‘Thin Ice’, and is comprised only of bad choices.

To make one, simply act irrationally based on your hates and fears, or ring this imaginary hotline and press the number most suited to your query:


Press 1 if you spent this episode anticipating the Daily Mail haemorrhaging splenetic rage.

Press 2 if you’re thinking of getting dressed up next time you have a cuppa.

Press 3 if you are embarking on a polite letter writing campaign to ensure Sarah Dollard is in the writing team for next season.

Press 4 if you are looking forward to the long awaited appearance of all the major swear words in a season of Doctor Who.

Press 5 if you are really enjoying the measured pace of this season so far.

Press 6 if you think the measured pace of this season so far is just to give everyone a breather before Simm and Gomez share screentime.

Press 7 if you aren’t sure if the show’s move towards a more consequentialist morality is a reaction to the entirety of existing Doctor Who or Steven Moffat’s rejection of an absolute, objective moral code as incompatible with most forms of reality.

Press 8 if you’re just glad the Doctor managed to do what Dan Ashcroft never could.

Press 9 if you are enjoying a prime time family TV show whose main character schtick is ‘Embarrassing Dad Who Will Kill Again’.

Gleefully mash the # button if you have gone back and really examined how many times the thing in the vault knocks.

Furiously mash the * button if you spent the episode wondering how they were going to reveal the wee boy wasn’t dead, and are still kinda stunned that he’s legit dead. Like, they totally killed a child this week.


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Pre-order the new season on Blu-ray on Amazon here.

What did you think of ‘Thin Ice’? Let us know below…

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