It’s summer; time to book your holiday! But where to head?

Well, the planet Sol 3 – designated by its indigenous species as ‘Earth’ – has long been a popular destination for visitors from around the universe, who flock to it for the sights, the food, and the quality target practice provided by the Human race.

Formed shortly after The First Big Bang by a Racnoss ship, Earth has since become the destination in Mutter’s Spiral, and was recently voted ‘Most Invadable Planet’ by Modern Dalek Magazine, beating off stiff competition from Trenzalore, Woman Wept, Jahoo and Androzani Minor.

Not only that, but Earth is also the site of The Big Bang 2, meaning it’s literally at the centre of all that’s hip and happening in today’s modern cosmos.

So we’re here to give you some ideas for your holiday by picking out the Earth’s best summer holiday destinations, as frequented by top travel expert, the Doctor:

 

The UK

With a land mass of under 244,000 square kilometers, the UK really is the bull’s-eye on the planetary dartboard, attracting all the most ambitious malevolent species and intergalactic quarry fans. And once you see what it’s got to offer, you can understand why…

 

Stonehenge, Wiltshire

Once the tourists have cleared away, check out The Underhenge (open between midnight and 4am), where you can explore the subterranean architecture of an ancient galactic transmitter.

Unfortunately the time-fossils have been removed since the universe was rebooted, but you can still get your photo taken while sitting in a plywood replica of The Pandorica. While visiting, do watch out for the resident Cyberman. He is not an employee of the National Trust and will likely try to steal your organs.

 

Sweetville, Yorkshire

Amid the peaceful Dales lies the abandoned town of Sweetville, once the site of a failed eugenics experiment orchestrated by an old woman and a leech. Now it’s an open air museum.

Take a guided tour and see inside the labourers’ houses, a fake manufactory floor, and the abandoned launch pad for a two-stage death-rocket. It’s ‘Eee-By-Fun!’ for all the family! And be sure to stop by the gift shop afterward for locally made fudge and artisanal prehistoric leech poisons.

 

Leadworth, Gloucestershire

An unremarkable sleepy village, except for one local phenomenon; a duck pond that has no ducks in it.

Come marvel at a natural puzzle that has baffled residents since 2010: how can it be a duck pond if it has no ducks in it? The answer will amaze and confuse you.

 

London

There’s so much to see and do in the planet’s capital of alien cosmic conquest! Here’s just a few of the attractions:

– Take a ride on the London Eye, once used as a transmitter by the Nestene Consciousness to control an Auton army.
– See some unexplainable tyre-tracks up one side of The Shard.
– Enjoy a tour of the parts of The Tower of London that aren’t occupied by UNIT.
– Ride the London Underground and see if you can spot any rusting Robot Yeti parts as you whizz around the Piccadilly Line.
– Visit The Powell Estate, long regarded by locals as ‘The nexus point of causality and coincidence and shit like that, innit.’

 

The Scottish Highlands

Before it breaks away from the rest of the UK and blasts off into deep space, visit Scotland and the historic Torchwood Estate, which once paid host to Queen Victoria.

There you can marvel at the enormously fancy telescope built by Sir Robert MacLeish’s father, see claw-marks left by a ‘wolf-like creature’, and enjoy a scone and pot of tea in the ‘Bad Wolf’ cafeteria in the renovated cellar.

 

Cardiff

Often mistaken for London, Cardiff is home to a surprising amount of extra-terrestrial action. Underneath the Millennium Centre lies the abandoned wreck of the Torchwood hub. The council have closed it to the general public, but a handsome local stranger in a WW2 coat offers tours to people who pay him enough compliments.

And if you get peckish there’s an excellent restaurant in the Bay, serving a really good steak and chips. No jacket or tie are required, but visiting Slitheen are asked to wear a skin-suit. Best of all, if your family car runs on temporal energy, then you can use a localised Rift in Time to refuel for free (£2.50 on weekends) as you tour the sights.

 

International destinations on Page 2…