If there’s one thing living in Edinburgh has taught me, it’s that the most horrific parts of history are worth enduring so that a few centuries later we can monetise them and use them for entertainment.
Press 1 if you’re starting to think that the series is better without Chibnall’s eerie tooth obsession taking precedent over things like Giving Everyone Something To Do and Fun Hats.
Press 2 if you feel like Alan Cumming lacked the subtle naturalism demanded by a story that involved a mud creature uttering the line ‘Kneel before me puny human’.
Press 3 if, alternatively, you love it when a ham comes together.
Press 4 if you noticed the stars move as the Earth was tilted off its axis by the weight of all the new Thirteen/Elizabeth I fanfic.
Press 5 if you’re enjoying the Doctor starting to ramp up the speeches, glaring and fighting monsters in this second half of the series.
Press 6 if you’re just relieved after last week that the Doctor didn’t decide that the witchcraft hysteria was fine.
Press 7 if you heard the Doctor saying she doesn’t believe in Satan, which is either a real lack of faith in that huge fiery red bloke on Krop Tor she met or a sign that honesty isn’t always the best policy.
Press 8 if you were reminded by this episode that some people genuinely below the line genuinely believed that Quentin Tarantino should be the Doctor Who show-runner.
Press 9 if you are torn between your love for good ol’ straightforwardly nasty aliens and thinking the episode was better before it went all rubber-face-masks-and-over-enunciating.
Press # if you can’t wait for the four disc Big Finish Boxset ‘The Thirteenth Doctor’s Underwater Adventures’, set in between the Doctor going underwater and her getting out again, written by the same four guys who write 70% of Big Finish’ output.
Press * if, on the other hand, you would totally listen to a Ryan & King James I/VI spin off.