Week 9 and The Apprentice slugs on…blimey, we could all do with a pick-me-up, couldn’t we? How about a refreshing glass of English fizz? We know just the people to talk to…

At 6:30am, Lord Sugar had the candidates assemble at the Grand Champagne Bar, St. Pancras. (Hey, it’s 5 o’clock somewhere, right?) But there’d be no breakfast of Weetabix and Appletinis, for Shugsy wanted them all to get on with the task of marketing English sparkling wine.

Remember folks, enjoy The Apprentice responsibly…

Name of the Week

If Stephen had been alive when sliced bread was invented he’d have probably called it ‘choppy-loaf’, because let’s face it, the man is like a toddler with a label-maker. Remember ‘Belissimo’ sauce?

Coming up with a brand name for their sparkling wine he had plenty of ideas. “Chink”, he suggested in all seriousness, “A glass of Chink,” before realising his horrendous mistake. In the end he went for Grandeur to represent English fizz. Grandeur being, as Nick Hewer pointed out, a French word. Congratulations Stephen, another winner there.

Candidates Most in Need of a Kebab

Re-enacting the movie Sideways, Tom and Adam went on a few wine-tastings for ‘research’ purposes. You know, like that tramp you pass on your way to work is just ‘researching’ that can of Tennants.

Quaffing their way from vineyard to vineyard on a little train-bus that made them look like two businessmen off to Toytown to audit Noddy, by the end of the day Adam was giggling like a hyena on a merry-go-round, while half-cut wine entrepreneur Tom attempted to explore his way through a sentence: “We’ve really got to grips with the English wine sparkling – sorry… Really got to grips with English wine sparking…”

If Don Draper can get sloshed on the job, why can’t our Apprentice candidates? Well, this is why.

Definition of the Week

If he doesn’t win The Apprentice, Adam seems destined for a career in choreography. Or he would if he actually knew what it meant. “It means making sure everyone is in the right place and knows what they’re doing”. No Adam, that’s just telling people what to do. Don’t be expecting a call from the producers of Cats anytime soon.

Grumps of the Week

Both teams journeyed to wine HQ to pitch their campaigns to the guests of an under-catered wake. Or so it appeared. They were in fact The High Council of Wine Lords (not actual name), and for people who like wine they were a surprisingly miserable bunch

Maybe they should’ve tried some of what they’re selling to help them loosen up, for neither team managed to decant a drop of enthusiasm from them. Yes, Sterling’s advert was so cheesy it could be served with a glass of port, but Chairman of English Wine Mike Roberts called it “flippant” with such contempt you’d have thought he’d just been made to drink box-wine from a dirty boot.

Carry On Apprenticing

In a moment crying out to be featured in an Apprentice mash-up video, Lord Sid James, sorry, Sugar, gave us one of his famous impressions: Kenneth Williams!

“Ooh Maitre-D! Where’s me Grandeur gone? Someone’s nicked me Grandeur!” Is this an innuendo we’ve missed? Or have people started referring to their privates as their grandeur? Maybe it’s just Shugsy.

Actually, it’s a shame that there wasn’t a ‘Carry on Apprenticing’ in the Carry On canon. We can just see it: Sid James as Lord Sugar, Charles Hawtrey as Nick Hewer, and Babs Windsor as Karren Brady. We’d watch it. Though it’d be difficult for such a film to be any more farcical than this week’s episode.

Aired at 9pm on Wednesday 16th May 2012 on BBC One.

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