Let’s just imagine, for a moment, that the plot of Toy Story had somehow become intermingled with that of Boyz n the Hood; that Woody, Buzz and company had exchanged places with Trey, Doughboy and the rest. Ah, sod imagining it; let’s see it happen…
CultBoxed remarked recently that one of the more bizarre by-products of the long-gone ‘let it all hang out’ era was the plethora of pop singles released by TV stars in the guise of the character they played onscreen. If you thought Jon Pertwee’s ‘I am the Doctor’ was a bizarre blend of po-faced mystical nonsense … >
One thing that Quentin Tarantino loves as much as swearing, splattered gore, obscure cultural references and the work of Gerardo de León is pointing his camera upwards – preferably from inside the trunk of a car – and having his actors stare down into the lens. Combining clips of QT shooting from below with the … >
‘In all our future meetings, I would know him more and he would know me less…’
To assuage the bewilderment of those who had struggled to follow the cockeyed chronology of the great love affair between Professor River ‘Melody Pond’ Song and Doctor Doctor ‘Doctor’ Who, BBC Three’s late, lamented Doctor Who Confidential put together a timeline, narrated by Alex Kingston, of the River Song story from beginning to end.
Or is it end to beginning? Either way, it clears up any confusion and proves that it does all make sense after all. No, honestly, it does…
‘He’s a useless shite, that boy. Punish him for me, Errol.’
Brick Top from Snatch dons the helmet and mask and joins the Galactic Empire under the name ‘Darth Vader’. Essential viewing for all fans of potty-mouthed cockney gangsters ringing up Grand Moff Tarkin to call the governor a ‘see-you-next-Tuesday’…
‘What the hell is this?’
Annie settles down with George and Mitchell to watch an unmarked DVD that somebody has sent her. It turns out to be something so hideous that even the supernatural flatmates are freaked out… and not only because it’s inexplicably soundtracked by Flo Rida…
‘Can I do this – or do I look like some sort of gay superhero?’
More vaguely amusing visual juxtaposition as Captain Picard is surprised during a meeting of high-level staff on the Starship Enterprise by some surprisingly candid video footage of himself. The smirk on Commander Riker’s face as he says, ‘I wish I’d known that Jean-Luc Picard,’ is a priceless moment of inappropriate perviness…
‘Through cosmic wastes the TARDIS flies, to taste the secret source of life…’
The idea of Matt Smith releasing a version of the Doctor Who theme tune with quasi-spiritual lyrics about listening to metallic teeth beginning to grind is either the stuff of nightmares or a hitherto un-thought-of marketing manager’s wet dream.
Either way, it’s as unlikely in 2012 as it was run-of-the-mill in the 1970s, a decade when the idea of a TV star releasing an ‘in character’ song was par for the course – if you don’t believe us, check out John Inman singing ‘Are You Being Served, Sir?’
But first, listen to Jon Pertwee getting all mystical in his (tragically uncharting) 1972 single, ‘Who is the Doctor?’…
‘This car’s a sod to drive at the moment…’
But before anyone starts thinking Pertwee was a grandiloquent old git, here he is on the set of The Five Doctors, struggling to get to grips with vintage roadster Bessie and swearing like a fishwife with a stubbed toe…
‘We kick them to the kerb unless they look like Mick Jagger…’ Life on the Starship Enterprise during James T. Kirk’s tenure at the helm was fraught with peril, the intrepid crew confronted by Klingons, Tribbles, dodgy sets, not-very-subtle deployment of stuntmen and an endless parade of redshirted extras being killed.
However, one thing that the captain, Spock, Uhura, Scotty and the rest of the gang knew how to do was how to relax. Here, soundtracked by Ke$ha’s ‘Tik Tok’, they go on a five-year mission to boldly party harder than anyone has partied before…
‘That slimy bugger…’ With the recession biting once again, Cassetteboy’s 2010 Daniel Craig-as-James Bond-sans-moolah cut-‘n’-paste is culturally relevant as ever. The scene where 007 gets hugely pissed and – inevitably – throws up into a sink is a thing of pleasure forever…
‘Get off the road!’ Where the inspiration for this came from, we’re struggling to fathom, but it works surprisingly well: the audio from a trailer for Lord of the Rings dubbed onto footage from the original Transformers TV movie. Optimus Prime as Gandalf is an obvious choice; Wreck-Gar as Gimli is more unexpected, but equally inspired…
‘Have you any idea how much Tiger Balm I’ve gone through every day on this stuff?’ In a frank, no-holds-barred interview, Daniel Radcliffe looks back on the eight Harry Potter movies and makes a stunning admission about his secret, double-life as a wizard, discussing his effect on women, his broom-burn, and the woeful lack of understanding Americans show for British sports…
‘Hahahahaha… what a funny joke…’ The best comedy series of the 1990s – oh yes it is … no, YOU shut up – was The Mary Whitehouse Experience, and it’s a continuing disappointment that rights issues and all manner of wrangles have prevented the television incarnation being released on DVD.
However, thanks to the ever-reliable combination of home taping, VHS-to-PC USB cables and YouTube, much of the series is available for shits and giggles. In ‘The Drinking Experience’, the Terminator struggles to negotiate his way around a pub toilet and Inspector Morse turns up at a crime scene looking rather tired and emotional….
‘You’re one of the conspiracy lot, aren’t you?’
Combining Sherlock and Doctor Who isn’t all that difficult, a cynic might say; Steven Moffat has already done it by having basically the same conclusions to Series 2 of the former and Series 6 of the latter.
But we’re not cynical, so we don’t believe that at all – and it’s our wide-eyed lack of cynicism which probably explains why we love the heartfelt, fannish devotion which has gone into the making of this Wholock trailer for ‘The Fall’….
‘I cannot tell you why my ship withstood the power of that gun unless you tell me the principles it was built on.’
How much time Babelcolour spends adding colour, frame by frame, to 1960s episodes of Doctor Who, we don’t even want to think about. All we want is for him to keep doing it, because the examples in this portfolio of clips are spellbinding.
Seeing William Hartnell, Patrick Troughton and the gang transported from monochrome mediocrity to glorious Technicolor isn’t a rarity on YouTube, but seeing it done this well certainly is.
‘The hobbits, the hobbits, the hobbits, the hobbits …’
At one time, this was – in a deliberately cheap and tacky way – the funniest thing the internet ever invented. If, by some miracle, you haven’t seen it yet, then approach with caution. You will never be able to watch The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers in the same way again.
‘Wall-E…?’
The trailer for Prometheus – Ridley Scott’s Alien-prequel-that-isn’t-actually-an-Alien-prequel-but-it’s-set-in-the-same-universe-and-yeah-it’s-about-the-creatures-that-left-the-big-ship-in-Alien-but-there’s-no-Ripley-stop-asking-me-about-Alien-for-God’s-sake – is one of the most intriguing of the teasers for this year’s movie blockbusters.
How can it be improved? By adding a much-loved cartoon figure, of course. It’s like eating ham and custard creams at the same time: it shouldn’t work but it does.
‘Oh my God, I don’t think I can go on. This is so emotional that I’m getting a stalk-on.’
At the tail-end of the 1990s, Tom Baker was trying to record the voiceover for a radio commercial for a furniture company. Struggling against a dismal script about ‘the passion of retail’ the former Doctor Who star begins to ramble, swear and be generally about a million times more entertaining than the advert could ever have hoped to be.