The Doctor Who Fan Service Hotline Week 2: The Ghost Monument

This article contains spoilers for The Ghost Monument.

The TARDIS has returned, and our operators are primed and ready to take your calls.

We also have a dedicated ‘OMG SERIES ARC!’ team on standby, and as ever we have a furious physicist on hand should anyone still cling to the hope that Doctor Who is into that sort of thing.

Press 1 if you will be sort of upset if the new title sequence doesn’t absolutely terrify all the children that you know.

Press 2 if you know the theme tune samples the Delia Derbyshire version, but could swear blind that there’s a bit of Dominic Glynn’s in there too.

Press 3 if you imagined Eric Saward watching that episode, weeping into his halloumi and howling ‘It’s not fair! This is what it looked like in my head but we had to use Ron Jones. RON JONES.’

Press 4 if you’re tempted to place a bet on Yaz fainting at the end of an episode and spending the next one recovering in the TARDIS.

Press 5 if you suddenly feel a lot better about your parenting skills.

Press 6 if you’re worried that the Stenza are only being lined up as the big bad because Chibnall had huge sacks full of teeth lying around and saw an opportunity to get rid of them.

Press 7 if you have started a thread on Gallifrey Base called ‘The Timeless Child – Adric or Adam Mitchell?’ because sometimes you just want to watch the world burn.

Press 8 if you would like someone to animate all the Doctor’s running in the style of a zoetrope and one on top of the other.

Press 9 if you could watch a whole series of Thirteen introducing herself to the TARDIS

Furiously mash the # button if you’d read that the series was going to be bright, bold and colourful, so you sort of hope someone turns some more lights on in the TARDIS.

Gleefully mash the * button if you don’t care what the TARDIS looks like, it’s got a freakin’ biscuit dispenser.