Here are 12 Doctor Who action figures that no child should part with their pocket money for, nor any collector should ever let see the light of day.
Winston Churchill
What child wouldn’t want an action figure of a portly Parliamentarian and wartime Prime Minister? Imagine the hours of fun you could have, reciting his ‘Sinews of Peace’ speech at some Cybermen or Gelth.
Winston Churchill, though an important recurring character in the Whoniverse, does not a great figure make.
Although – and, genuinely true story this – back when I was revising for my GCSE History exam, I used my Star Wars figures to help me revise key moments in World War Two*. Honestly. So there was Obi-Wan Kenobi, Admiral Akbar, and Darth Vader, re-enacting the Yalta and Potsdam Conferences as Churchill, Roosevelt, and Stalin respectively.
How much easier would it have been to recreate the cut and thrust of negotiations over German demilitarization if Obi-Wan had been replaced by that Churchill action figure. Maybe he’s not so pointless after all…
* (Got an A-star, by the way. Thanks, Star Wars!)
Korwin
Have you ever seen a toy that looked so un-fun to play with?
It’s a lump of dead imagination, condensed into a plastic humanoid shape. I challenge child or adult collector to enjoy it as anything other than a dust-magnet.
‘Burn with me!’ Korwin said, in the episode ’42’. Don’t tempt me.
Professor Bracewell
Continuing the ‘Old Men of WW2!’ line of Doctor Who figures, I’m not even sure Bill Paterson bought one of these.
But then I can’t imagine Bill Paterson buys action figures. I can’t imagine you’d buy Professor Bracewell either, unless you’re keen on continuing the adventures of a robot mid-level government employee during the Blitz.
The Flesh Goo Pod
Looking like the kind of toy that your mum would tell you not to get on the cushions, the ‘Flesh Goo Pod’ sounds like something you’d find at the back of your parent’s wardrobe, carefully placed under a cardigan.
At first glance it seems like a whole tub of fun: gooey ‘Flesh’ with bits of Ganger Doctor’s body parts in it! Cool and creepy. And deceptive.
Y’see, soon after sticking your fingers in there you quickly realise that, like a bad yoghurt, it’s just some mystery gunk with bits in. Not a whole figure. Not a figure you can even click together. Just a random of pic n’ mix of plastic anatomy scraps plonked in a dubious chemical concoction.
Still, I guess you can always pour the goo into your siblings’ hair.
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What’s the most ridiculous Doctor Who action figure you own? Let us know below…