‘Doctor Who’ vs ‘Star Wars’ characters ultimate face-off: Who wins?

Doctor Who and Star Wars; Star Wars and Doctor Who.

One’s a decades-old, globally popular sci-fi adventure featuring a wise old man, a feisty young woman, aliens, robots, spaceships, and interstellar villains with a thirst for destruction and conquest. And the other is… err, also that.

No, of course they are very different! But that doesn’t stop us pitting fan-favourites against one another in a contest to see whose characters would win in a fight.

Who, for example, would emerge victorious from a Super Smash Bros style showdown? Could an Ewok kill a Chumbley? Might an AT-ST stand a chance against a Dalek? Is Grand Moff Tarkin able to fell The Grand Moffat? Could RTD vanquish R2D2?

Y’know, the kind of hypothetical conversation you have when you’re either 9 or drunk or me.

> Buy the complete original Star Wars saga box set on Amazon.

> Buy the complete Doctor Who Season 9 box set on Amazon.

So join me in a half-fanfic, half-playground, all-nonsense rundown of who would emerge victorious in the ultimate space scrap.

Two enter the CultBox chalk-outline of doom, one leaves. But which one? There’s only one way to find out… FIIIIIGHT!

 

K-9 vs R2-D2

K-9 vs R2-D2

Essentially a fight between a dustbin and a microwave. R2-D2 trundles around manically, dodging K-9’s laser blasts, until firing his grappling line and latching himself to the canine.

With a cheery ‘boop-bee-bloop!’ he quickly deploys his little saw and plasma torch, cutting into the dog with merciless surgical precision and making quick work of severing all of K-9’s vital systems.

Then, standing over the robo-mutt’s sparking corpse, he downloads all vital data pertaining to The Doctor, accidentally saving over Princess Leia’s vital message to Ben Kenobi in the process.

Winner: R2-D2

 

Captain Jack vs Han Solo

Captain Jack vs Han Solo

After making a quick piece of innuendo about the hairiness of his Wookie, Captain Jack reaches to his holster for his pistol, only to whip out a banana from the groves at the heart of Villengard (dammit, Doctor!).

But he’s already too late. Han draws his trusty blaster and shoots first (ha!). Off the smuggler swaggers, heading back to the Falcon, when he hears a gasp. Captain Jack’s alive!

Han, impressed, and in need of a man who can withstand an attack by a Rathtar, hires Jack to travel with him aboard the Millennium Falcon.

Winner: Probably Han, but really, all of us

 

BB-8 vs a Toclafane

BB-8 vs a Toclafane

Essentially paired against one another because they’re spherical, I’m afraid it doesn’t look good for the adorable BB-8.

Even chock full of gadgets, he can’t fly or fire lasers (though of course he does have that little plasma welder he uses to give Finn the finger).

Look, I don’t like the Toclafane either, but that thing would have the poor robo-ball’s head off with one well-placed shot or a quick sweep past with its spinning knives. A week after the fight, Poe Dameron receives a large Jiffy envelope of his droids assorted parts, and a £10 Argos gift voucher to go towards buying one of those cool toy ones.

Winner: Toclafane

 

Cyberman vs Stormtrooper

Cyberman vs Stormtrooper

PEW-PEW-PEW!

ZAP-ZAP!

‘Delete!’

PEW-PEW!

‘Surrender, in the name of the Empire!’

ZAP!

PEW-PEW-PEW!

‘Delete!’

ZZZAP!

‘Aaaargh! God, why do we wear such crappy armour?!’

Winner: Cyberman

 

Chewbacca vs The Robot Yeti

Chewbacca vs The Robot Yeti

Let the Wookie win. Always let the Wookie win.

Winner: Chewbacca

 

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  • Ooh, the fanboys are gonna be cross with you for this! “You-sa in deep doo-doo dis time.”

    And the Doctor vs Obi-Wan depends which version. The War Doctor could take him on, the Tenth probably couldn’t. But I’m too busy imagining the sassy one-liners between McGregor’s Obi-Wan and Capaldi’s Doctor to care who’d win there.

    • Susan A. Hubbard

      “But I’m too busy imagining the sassy one-liners between McGregor’s Obi-Wan and Capaldi’s Doctor to care who’d win there.”

      We would ALL win on that one…I would probably explode with a squee <3

    • TheGreatestManWhoEverLived

      Ten’s strength was more the gift of gab and charming his way out of things, which would work against him with Obi-Wan than in his favour.

      11 wouldn’t fare all that well either

      War, 9, and 12 would be the biggest threats to Obi-Wan

      • Paulo Vicente

        Charming? Ten? Ten was one of the angriest, rage-filled, most vengeful doctors :O

  • timmy

    Barking mad, and very appealing 🙂 My favourite was Ace vs Rey.

  • John McJohnson

    Kylo Ren vs. The Auton Wheelie Bin (from ‘Rose’)
    The bin swallows him, he slashes his way out with his lightsaber in a childlike tantrum-style rage; but it’s too late — he’s already a plastic copy that’s only good for inexplicable beat-boxing!
    WINNER: Draw

  • Maureen C. Dance

    I think the last one would be another draw, as they join forces to keep the peace in the galaxy. Or maybe in the whole universe.

  • Jordan Lyndell-Lees

    Tarkin vs. Cushing Doctor …

    • Jordan Lyndell-Lees

      Or General Veers vs. Scaroth …

  • Kathryn O’Connor

    Those are some fun scenerios