The Doctor Who Fan Service Hotline Week 1: The Woman Who Fell To Earth

Doctor Who is back on our screens, and no matter how much we miss Peter Capaldi it has to be said that Jodie Whittaker is our new best friend. This is EXCITING. As such we offer this service for fans who need the sweet release that comes with jabbing your finger repeatedly at a button.

Calls are free. If you don’t have a phone then teaspoons and a good solid hope will do.

This article contains spoilers for The Woman Who Fell to Earth.

Press 1 if you are dead, and have found yourself in an afterlife known as Chibnallhalla.

Press 2 if you really don’t want Grace to be dead but given that Chibnall just had a monster tear dead people’s teeth out and stick them into his own face, you feel that maybe he isn’t as sentimental as his predecessor.

Press 3 if you are looking forward to the Tim Shaw spin-off series from Big Finish.

Press 4 if you sort of knew that, having cast Bradley Walsh, they’d give him something really moving to underplay so people would go ‘Hey, Bradley Walsh really surprised me with his range’, and despite all this cried anyway.

Press 5 if you appreciate the expansion of the lore around regeneration and the sonic assembling montage, but really what you’re after is a canon explanation of how inconsistent the Doctor’s health is when falling from heights.

Press 6 if you appreciate the time Segun Akinola has taken to listen to Delia Derbyshire’s solo albums.

Press 7 if you think, with the Doctor’s refusal to go anywhere that’s just initials, the big bad for this series could be the YMCA.

Press 8 if, amongst the other changes, the Doctor now being sensitive and relatively humble feels like the biggest break with what’s gone before.

Press 9 if you watched this with a loved one, and during a quiet moment they leaned in close enough for their breath to tickle, and whispered ‘This takes place in the same universe as Countrycide‘.

Furiously mash the # button if, should you feel picky, the bit where the Doctor just jams live cables at the big tentacle thing without checking that it was evil seemed a bit presumptuous on her part.

Gleefully mash the * button if you assume Chris Chibnall was in a waiting room, wondering what the monster should be for his first episode as show runner, when he heard someone chanting teethteeth– The other patients also joined in, chanting teethTEETH until the receptionist started pounding her clipboard and yelling TEETHTEETHTEETH!